A dumpster fire.........

That is a great term huh? I love the way language hits sometimes.....and this term conjures so much for me.......I was driving home from work yesterday.....sun shining.....music cranked......window down some, singing at the top of my lungs, and feeling so good inside of myself remembering how much of a dumpster fire the last few years of my marriage really were........and marveling at how that Jenn climbed in that dumpster and sat among the flames........hoping that enduring that fire would lead her to where she wanted to be......but that would never have been.......not ever.....and she just didn't know......and it got me thinking about trying to save others from those flames......without having them have what happened to me.....happen to them.......Is that possible???? Like if somebody is sitting in the dumpster fire of their marriage, in the throes of suffering right now......and their mindset resides there......fixed on the fixing or the riding it out........can their mind be persuaded to awaken by my sharing this over and over?? I don't know......I am so hopeful that as I share my journey each day, in different ways......that it helps free people...... or even a person......just anybody......because I shudder to think what would have happened if he hadn't set me free......I like to hope and think there would have been an endpoint for me.....for that Jenn.....and there likely would have been......but not sure how much longer......she was full of loyalty and duty......and maybe if I had set myself free I wouldn't be where I am now either??? Interesting to wonder about........ I think walking through that intense of a fire and suffering as much as I did, was necessary to break me down so far......so that the rebuilding could help find myself here.......but as I was driving yesterday, feeling so many things that had been dead in me for so long......I mourned a little for the past versions of me......but mostly celebrated the versions ahead.......I wrote not too long ago about knowing that the woman I will be in 5 years won't be the same as the one I am now......and how that excites me.......I am here for evolution and growth and hitting different levels of existing in this life......I am not interested in sleepwalking.......only in living hi def and AWAKE and ALIVE each day........ soaking it all up with curiosity and wonder......and the dumpster fire served a purpose too......it toughened me up even more......and made me so miserable, so broken eve then......that it provided contrast for me to realize how amazing I feel now.....and appreciate this life infinitely.......and the number one thing I realized caused it....and I want anybody living in a dumpster fire too to hear this.......was because I was placing the responsibility of happiness in HIS pocket........and in the quality of my marriage.......thinking that if he would do this.......then I would feel this........if we could fix this then I would feel this......that my relationship and my ex husband carried the weight of my happiness on its shoulders and that I wanted him to change and do some things, and I wanted our relationship to be a certain way so I could be happy and that is fool's gold......now I am not saying that the quality of a marriage doesn't impact people's quality of life.....it is the biggest part of your life when you are in it, besides being a parent......but no matter how great a relationship is......or how awful it is.....we should not place our happiness in those hands.......I now understand that, fully and completely......that our happiness and joy resides COMPLETELY within US......and that if we are not happy within, nothing outside of us will ever "make us happy" and more importantly we can choose to feel that way despite the fact that maybe a dumpster fire is burning beside us......the fire inside of us is stronger once we find it......and as I drove yesterday I was reminded that no matter what happens for the rest of my life, it is my responsibility to keep throwing wood on the fire that lives inside of me.....the fire that brings me passion, excitement, joy, satisfaction, motivation, love, hope, peace, levity, energy, laughter, vitality, aliveness all of it........I won't ever feed another dumpster fire.....not ever.......and you shouldn't either......my hope for anybody that is living in those flames is that they turn their energy from the dumpster to feeding their own fire, my mission every day:)