Every once in awhile I find myself in a position along this path where I feel I need to stand in the truth of myself.....and know what that is no matter what is going on around me and no matter what others attempt to say or do.....and it is amazing to be able to do that in this life....in my new life......instead of being subject to showing up as I am told to by subtle or not so subtle innuendos .....the people in our lives are our mirrors....and it has been shown to me how important it is for the people you choose, to see you as you see yourself, or as close as you can find.....and mirror that stuff back to you.....I have written about the mirror at the end of my marriage being tarnished and flawed....and the belief I started to take hold of......that I was old.....and tired....and no fun.....and wore glasses....and had graying hair and well so many things.....subtle cues taken from him.....and then belief takes hold, and you step into that narrative.....forgetting who you are....and so I am sensitive to that now....knowing how to fiercely hang onto Jenn no matter what.....and recently a situation rattled my cage some.....made me go inward and see what is found there....always good work to do. And my thing.....the thing I always default to on repeat, and speak about so often, is the fact that I need to be me.....in this chapter....and I need to be around people that get that.....that celebrate that.....that allow for that, and that is not a new revelation.....but the other piece of that is I need people in my life that offer me softer places to land.....I have had enough tough stuff in my life.....when you are strong people tend to be rougher with you, than they would be if you were not....and being strong has always come at a price in my life.....and it isn't easy being the strong one....it really isn't.....my strength I have written of before as a double edged sword........both the thing that makes me feel confident and safe in the world, but also the thing that doesn't always allow for the things I need in this life.....A big barrier of sorts.......And sometimes I find people that nurture me despite seeing that strength in me, and my family is lovely.....but my strength is something that I hope one day I can temper in this life.....finding somebody that knows what to do with it lol:) It was an issue in my marriage for sure.....and now that strength has only grown......but for now I need to nurture myself some....this weekend the kiddos are with their dad and I plan on hanging on my own....doing the things that I know light me up, fill me up and make me feel amazing.....and doing some stuff around my place to get ready for summer! I have so many fun plans this summer, and am looking forward to it all! And beginning my kitchen! :):) So I write about this today beceause we do have a deep obligation to ourselves....and sometimes I write about these themes again to remind my readers, but also myself:) Happy Thursday:)
jperuso
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