PAIN..........

Boy am I in A LOT of it.......I have always been fascinated by pain and its ability to transform us, if we are brave enough to stand and look it in the eye and face it.....that is the rub right? Our human nature and condition tells us it is too much to stand in, we want to bargain, find a way around it, find a way to avoid it, a way to make it pass as quickly as possible.......unfortunately that is not the way to handle pain, the only real way is through it.....to allow ourselves to let it pass through us.....wash over us without pushing it away.......I have had a lot of pain in my life. I have lost people I have loved deeply.......like really deeply......I have watched people suffer, afraid I will lose them, I have been pushed to my limits in so many ways, being forced to stretch, to grow, or be swallowed up, I have been betrayed, and then betrayed again........and again........all of those experiences sending searing pain into my soul.......causing my body and mind to be forced to find a way to contend with it....to figure out what to do, how to get through.......I have always been proud that my instincts have been to dig in and get to the work of dealing with it, accepting it, and trying my best to heal from it.......however right now this pain, the pain that I am looking at in its eye......is a formidable opponent.....not quite like the other pain that has come to find me before......this pain is huge, like Goliath, it is all consuming, it has stamina for days, it is tricky, showing up in all the corners of my life, and it will be around for a VERY LONG time despite what I do.........despite blogging, despite running, despite acceptance, despite..........despite anything I choose to do........that notion alone makes me feel like getting in bed, pulling the covers over my head, and not coming out......a luxury I do not have, nor one that would serve me, for I am in the fight of my life......a fight for my NEW life.......I am a fighter through and through.....not sure where my fighting spirit comes from, or when it came on the scene, I just know it is in every part of my being.....there is no quit in me.......there just isn't, and I thank God every day that that I have that kind of strength......it has served me well over the years......Even though I want the pain to stop with every fiber of my being, to find a way to make it just go away and leave me alone, I can stand outside of myself and see the value in it all......the value of being pushed so hard, so violently, so far from any soft place to land, that you are cast into the most primal part of yourself.....the part that real TRANSFORMATION is found.......what will you do? The million dollar question is.......will you fight.....will you fly.......will you freeze.......as for me........I will THRIVE...........