Fear....

I have learned a lot about fear in this chapter.....fear was a part of my story long ago....I felt afraid a lot.....I spent a lot of time and energy spinning "what ifs".....and in my 20s.... being gripped by fear and anxiety, and the lies they told.....because that is what fear is.....it is a liar.....there is no truth found in the things we tell ourselves we are afraid of....none.....I believe that.....fear is construct....a fairy tale we spin and tell ourselves, but it is not rooted at all in truth.....and I feel confident enough to say that because I have been through many of the things I have feared once upon a time....and the other side looks nothing like what I thought it would be.....or the construct I had formulated in my mind.....including getting a divorce......I cannot tell you the fear that gripped me when I first discovered his affair and realized that the D word was on the table.....it horrified me.....I mean me getting divorced??? I didn't even have a brain cell for it.....it felt like failure.....it felt like sadness.....it felt like loss....it felt like it would destroy my children......and break me for good......and in the short term it almost did....but here I am stronger, happier, and healthier than ever.....so all that fear I had gripping me over and over was lying...... .....and in those early days in the aftermath.....I was afraid some.....afraid of all I had to face.....court dates.....legal papers.....mediations.......work and my life under the influence of deep grief and sadness.....but somehow I learned to channel my fear......and pour it into stuff that made me feel confident and proud about myself.....and I began to challenge it....standing and staring it in its eyes and screaming fiercely, and no longer believing its twisted story....and you know what??? It lost its power......my fear began to fall away......bit by bit....and my faith grew.....and now fear is showing up again.....I am going to entering into some dating.....and that has been something that has made me feel hesitant in this story....and I cannot get a pulse on why.....why it seems like a big deal to me....single folks around me doing it all of the time right??? I mean why is it a big deal to me?.....There is work to do there methinks:) I used to meet people when I was younger and trust it all.....so I am staring in the eyes of this spot of my journey.....knowing I need to get out of my way and push myself some......get out there and try it.....and do it afraid some.....because the truth is I don't fear much these days.....I really don't.....and being free from fear and anxiety is one of the MOST amazing things:) truly......but something about this dating business freaks me out a little lol:) Like skydiving:) But I am determined to do it and do it soon......so that I can face that down too......fear is a lie.....the reality is never what we think it will be.....and often times what happens on the other side of it is WAY better than we thought........so that is what I am hanging my hat on in this part of my story.....summoning my brave and stepping into the dating arena and giving it the college try:) There is a patient fella that has been waiting on a date for a long time from me and I think I am ready to give it a go.....so Stay tuned! :)