It all seems like another life......a dream......it has been 600 plus days since my old life ended. And THIS Jenn cannot picture living inside of THAT life......the ability to do so fades even more as each day marches on......It got me to thinking that we all have a version of us that can exist in whatever situation we must......right? Adapt to survive and try and thrive.....bloom where we are planted.....and I think of that Jenn sometimes and wish she had known about this Jenn some......some of the skills I have acquired would have helped her so much......I mean she was a woman that had learned a lot of lessons too.....definitely packing wisdom then in her own right......and had a lot of skills......and lived a lot of life.......but there were some key pieces that she really needed to understand back then......that she just didn't understand.....However I suppose she wasn't ready to learn them......lessons come as we are able, and face us when we need them, allowing us to become better equipped to handle what is next......and the people in our lives get different versions of us I suppose......it goes back to what I always say about what we summon in our people.....do we allow them to be themselves? Do we allow them room to grow? Do we love them loudly in their messy, in their challenge and do they love us in return?? For me it is interesting to think of all the versions of us that can exist based on the person that is mirroring us......how they are making us feel......and I suppose the most important thing is to be true to us.....not hide away the parts we are not sure of.....work toward being our best selves but also be true to who we really are......and step forward into that space......and hope that the people surrounding us accept it and know if they don't, they are not our people......so 600 days ago my life came crashing down around me......and at first I tried desperately to catch the pieces and then I realized it was futile, and I stood back up and I let them fall.....let it all burn down......watched the destruction of the dream I had for my life and future.....the dream I held for my children......I sat with my pain....allowed it to come......did not avoid it or self medicate.....patiently waiting for the fire to stop burning......taking the pieces left and rebuilding with pieces that I never knew were available to me.......and I began again.....and I marvel often at the fact that we have both changed so much.......he and I.....unrecognizable to one another......adapting to our new lives.......and perhaps that is it right there as I type.....I sometimes wonder about how much he has changed and how so much of him is unrecognizable to me but he too is living another life, and adapting to it, just as I have.......so 600 plus days since we parted ways......and while he doesn't recognize this Jenn, and I think of all the things that have happened in between.....I realize more and more that this Jenn was never meant for him to know.....not ever maybe....he would likely not understand her anyway......the Jenn he knew is long gone...and will forever hold a special place in my heart......forever......but I am most definitely enjoying getting to know the new parts of me that are stepping forward.....and we all should....be true to you y'all, and the right people will get it and the wrong ones won't....and it is all good indeed:)
jperuso
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