I sometimes think of the night he left......not often.....but it sometimes comes to my mind....the fact that it was an ordinary night......nothing special about it......a weeknight.....a Thursday.........and it remains one of the most difficult nights of my life......after he dropped the bomb......there are bits and pieces of that night that are clear.....I think some part of my brain blocks some of it out still.......because it was so traumatic.......I shook and my teeth chattered as if I had just gotten into some terrible car wreck.......that night was the third time he had inflicted that kind of trauma on me.......all carrying the weight of his betrayals........but what I do remember vividly is what came after......after the door closed and his truck drove away.......as he left to start his new life........leaving ours behind........my kids had been asleep thankfully.....I was in no condition to do much of anything in the mothering realm.......had been crying for hours....and I remember standing in the stillness of the absence......feeling it....... soaking it in......the deafening silence.......and then I climbed the stairs and climbed into my bed, even though I knew sleep wasn't going to come......and I lay there in the stillness of our bed.......looking over at his side and thinking of all of what was going to come next.......I had so many people to tell but it most definitely would wait till morning.....and I just cried........all night long.........the kind of tears that come from the deepest places in us......the ones that carry with them the ability to start letting go.......to heal.........I marveled at how many tears there were.......just endless it seemed.......when the morning came I tried to pull myself together some.....called a co worker and took care of calling out of work, and called my parents to come take my kids for a sleepover.......tried to maintain myself till they came and picked them up, and when they left with them, I climbed back in bed and cried again for another day or so.........and I marvel at what mechanism that is in us......the one that can get in touch with deep grief and proceed accordingly......because the truth is I needed to cry every single tear........purge my soul of that ocean of sadness......I could not have walked around carrying that heavy weight of sadness without letting it go.......I just remember feeling so so broken.....my heart shattering......and wondering how I was going to pull off work Monday morning.......and all the things that came next......it felt like Mount Everest.......and the answer to that was one day at a time.......anytime I started to spin down the road, and tried to plan too far ahead......it became overwhelming......... when I was able to just stay in the day, get through the day......it seemed easier until I reached the place where joy and peace has filled my days, after the tears dried.....and I didn't have to focus so hard on just surviving the day and started focusing on thriving in my days:) I cried on and off for weeks.....not even sure how long......it is also a blur to some degree....too much trauma occupying my brain for me to fully remember......but tears really are magical......they hold so much power......and create a release that not much else can......I have a picture I took of myself, after hours of crying......after no sleep, not a wink.....the morning after he left........and it serves as a reminder of where I began......and the woman in that picture is so so so sad.......you can see it......feel it.....and when I look at that picture versus one of myself now........it is clear we are not the same woman........and I just feel so proud.....proud of her strength.....proud that she didn't give up......proud that she pushed herself so far out of her comfort zone every single day.......proud that she carried hope and faith in her heart every single day......proud that she never gave up......that she showed up every single day for what was next......proud of all she will do in the future:) proud that she walked through hell but didn't give in to the devil.....always looking for the light to lead her way......I am so grateful for the bravery of the woman in that picture.....and to her leading me here......honoring her.......I may share that picture someday......the one where my heart is visibly shattered......maybe.....but until then I just feel so so grateful to be sitting where I am....and looking in the past is not a practice one should do, to live in that past.....and I definitely don't live in my past.......but I do think there is value in looking over your shoulder from time to time to look back at the miles you have traveled:) The roads you have left behind......... Then look forward, face in the sun, and look at the beautiful road that lies ahead:)
jperuso
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