Three years ago today was the day......THE day, the one that changed my life forever.....catapulting me in a completely different direction in every single way.....it was the day he left....ordinary in every way....a Thursday....after work and dinner, and then he was gone.....and the hours that happened before he left, and after he told me he was, were excruciating, along with the pain filled days that followed, and much of it is still a blur....that night......I went into shock.......but there is stuff that has stayed with me.....and while there was all of that part....no question....and I never try to minimize the hurt that found me in all of that.....there is also such light in this story....he freed me to be WHO I CAME HERE TO BE......no question......my life could not be what it is, and as fulfilling and enchanting as it is to me, with him in it.....it would have been impossible....and I cannot even get in touch with myself or my life then much....even though 3 years is not a great deal of time....it is something I no longer resonate with.....I will always carry memories....and many sweet ones with my babies, and my family in tact.....but the overall feeling of being her...THAT Jenn....is hard to reach......seems like a lifetime ago.....we all live chapters in this life...different chapters requiring different versions of us......ones we need to step forward to survive it all.....and I DID.....I feel like I have more than SURVIVED, I have THRIVED in the face of it all.........and I am most proud of that....because early on I thought it may crush and destroy me....there were days I thought I might not survive the pain.......that level of pain and suffering I experienced has become a representation to me of the depth in which I can love.....they are equal......deep love yields deep pain sometimes.......so it doesn't make me feel less or ashamed that I suffered as much as I did initially......quite the opposite, it showed I loved my ex husband, and my family fiercely, and all of it so much, that the losing of it caused that primal rip in my soul, and I needed some time to heal it and move on......and I have:) I have healed so much of it, and as I sit here and I feel so proud of that......so freaking proud of how hard I have worked to take the high road.....to be open to the lessons, to work on my healing, and myself, and create a life I love......for being present in my children's healing....and being so fully there for them......and making them my top priority along the way, as well as myself.....I am so proud I have learned to love myself.... like for real......and take such good care of me.....to learn to protect that love I have found for me, and put up boundaries when I need to to protect it......I am proud that my home is peaceful....like a sanctuary.........and that I have learned to let go of all of the nonsense in this story, and not let it rob any of that......I am proud of all the times I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone, which has been endlessly, and the bravery I have shown to do that......I am just proud of all of it.....and not holding back in saying that.....Only I truly know what this journey has required of me, and it has been an enormous amount......I am proud that I have never said one bad word about their dad or his girlfriend to my children......not one.....and that I have supported him and been kind to him to our kids, despite the way he chooses to treat me.....so today I CELEBRATE this day....THIS day marks my freedom.....in every single way...and learning to embrace that freedom......this has turned out to be one of the most magical things that has every happened to me.....I am so blessed. The last three years has held such growth.....such light....so many blessings.....excitement......adventures.....and fun.....and so much more........and I am just getting started:) FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)
jperuso
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