The kids went to their dads for a little bit yesterday, it was out of our normal schedule but our flow is fluid like that......and they had both missed each other......we don't have a formal agreement, and we have been working it all out as it comes, and doing pretty well in that regard, and I am grateful for that.....but something came up that I need to figure out how to approach, and address, and have my say.....and I have put myself on a 24 hour time out......practicing the pause.....before I dive in.......it is nothing bad or unsafe for the kids persay, so nothing too dramatic.....and really quite the opposite, I believe the thing I need to address came from a good place....wanting to make the kids wildly happy....with great intentions.....but it is a concern........... and a valid one.....and one that had some of my emotion tied into it last night, so I felt it better to take the 24 hours to say my piece......and I have used it before, and sort of came to it early on.......realizing that getting caught up in being reactionary was a trap......it is easy, when emotions are running high, to fire off a text full of fury and heat......but I have tried as often as I am able to resist that.....to take the time to calm down, and sort through my thoughts and feelings.....and now my self control to do so has grown, and enables me to do that more easily......I am lucky I am able to use words to articulate how I am feeling, and convey that carefully.....I never take it for granted.....so my plan is to meditate and workout.....do some chores around here, and hike with the kids on a new trail.......then formulate some thoughts related to my response to the situation......and it is funny....... what always gets my back up more often than any of the issues that arise, is that I have to deal with it at all.....I can get caught in the anger and resentment of having to deal with these things......of needing to be in the role I am in this story.....the one having to say the things on behalf of my children.....it is that rabbit hole that I fight through.......wishing that my life wasn't subject to these things sometimes.....and most times it has been pretty smooth as of late......which has been a blessing.....but when the hiccups come, I am not a fan.....and I am learning to not give into the rabbit hole......not let it suck me under......not stay in it.....to deeply breathe and clear my energy field......and not make it bigger than it is.....looking at it as a small thing, and a part of my life......it just is........and railing against what is is futile......I know that deeply.......these negotiations and issues will arise along the way.....whether I wish them to or not.....and I will have to contend with it.....and be careful and considerate in my actions and reactions to them.....and use as much of the good stuff I can muster to navigate it all.....seeking status quo and peace among us all for the sake of my children and their peace and happiness.....so I handle the tenuous relationship the three of us have with care......handling it with kid gloves as not to shatter it........it is fragile.....and I am keenly aware of that fact.........and it has always been worth doing that.....the effort and restraint it requires sometimes......my kids are happy......settled.....healing every day.....adjusted......doing well in school.......loved by all of us......all of it.....so 24 hours is a gift.....the space that spans between the catalyst and a reaction.......allowing for response instead of reaction.......the difference is a big one.....in the meantime I will seize the day.....and enjoy it....headed to the Vernon boardwalk trail today.....have never been there......and I will let my careful response percolate in the background.....trusting that it will be exactly the way it should be.....brought on the wings of the intuition to wait 24 hours........24 precious hours......time given to practice the pause.......:)
jperuso
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