20 years......

It has been 20 years today since my sister passed away in a tragic car accident.....and the horror of that day will never be forgotten......not ever.....I was living with my ex at the time, we were dating......and there had been a terrible storm that night, and I had had trouble falling asleep until late in the night.....feeling restless.....as though my soul knew I was about to lose something enormous.......and then the phone rang early in the morning......never a good thing.....seeing my mom's number on the caller id.....and I remember hesitating a moment before I picked up.....as if I knew I wanted to preserve that moment just a little longer.....and then my mom saying she had something sad to tell me.....and when she did just immediately hitting disbelief, and my ex said I started screaming and I don't know what happened.....I remember him driving me to my mom's house.....I remember pieces of the week that followed, and I remember just crying......endless tears......for days......grief finding me so deeply and gripping me......the relationship I had with my sister had been complicated....she was 10 years younger than I.....and we did not have similar personalities....and there were a lot of things at play that made it complicated.....and when she was small, she felt like she was mine....I loved tending to her, and taking care of her as the oldest.....but as I grew....and as she did, the relationship became more challenging.....so losing her before that dynamic could have been resolved itself and found its way again to the other side was heart wrenching.....the last time I saw her was on my birthday that year.....my 28th birthday.....and we were at my parent's house.....and I hugged her goodbye and we hugged a long time.....and then when I went to let go, she hugged me again harder, and I remember catching my mom's eye and us both catching that moment.....and it was sweet, and so many things like that happened in the days leading up to her leaving us.....as if her soul was preparing for its departure......readying itself to leave....saying goodbye to all of her people in beautiful and intentional ways, and then she was gone.....just gone......and her death taught me to live like you mean it.....and not to take this life for granted.....that life is precious.....and that we are supposed to embrace living....like really living....and then somewhere along the way that lesson faded some, and I fell asleep at the wheel a little bit.....and then my divorce jolted me awake again....abruptly and intensely.....and now here I am......vowing with all of my being to never forget again....never.....God bless you Stacey....I know you are there in all of it....watching and cheering and loving us from afar....you are forever in my heart Stace.....I love you.......xoxo